It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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