Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
