I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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