If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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