I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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