she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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