Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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