I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
PANTIES FOUND
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