i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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