rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
