Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
