My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
