life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize