The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
