I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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