you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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