I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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