If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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