I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Two words: nipple clamps
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