Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
