Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
