They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
