i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals