I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again