I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
