he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
