Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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