What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
