True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
