I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
