This is not my ceiling
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
