I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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