I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
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She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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