Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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