after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
