I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
