so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
