I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I fill condoms, not promises.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
