Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
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You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
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We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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