dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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