Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
