You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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