I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
don't judge my taste in strippers
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale