what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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