You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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