Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
