I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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