I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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