My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Even my vagina gasped.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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