Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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