meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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