You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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