I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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