this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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