How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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