It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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