meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Drunk is not a location!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
