you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
